Life · is · Poetry

The government put up ten million dollars for a new nuclear submarine. To build such an expensive only the finest of engineers would do. One in particular happened to be a friend of mine. Harold, the greatest engineer around was reluctant to take the job, because he was about to go through a messy divorce of which he did not want. He took the job anyway. He worked and worked and could not figure how to make a better submarine than the previous one, all the while his marriage played heavy in the back of his mind. He had the technicians working along side him remove the nuclear core and had them put hundreds of hamster wheel in its place. It moved faster than the previous submarine and besides the squeaking of some of the hamster wheels it was quieter as well. The government was impressed. Harold convinced his wife not to divorce him and thousands upon thousands of brave hamsters were sacrificed.

There was a bald man who had a tattoo on his head of his head that had another tattoo within that tattoo of his head.
Why do you have a tattoo on your head of your head with another tattoo within that tattoo of your head? I asked.
And what makes your head so special anyways? I asked before he could answer.
I guess I just kind of like the shape of my head and I am comfortable with the head I have he replied.
I agree you do have a good looking head, but I dont know if it is good enough to have a tattoo within that tattoo of that same tattoo of it I responded.

An old man was taking a walk though the wooded trail, when out of nowhere an oak tree sucker punched him in the eye. He went don’t for four seconds with a cut above his left eye; he return to his feet and the fight had officially begun. The other trees began rooting for the tree. Though the tree a height advantage of seventeen foot and a twenty foot reach advantage and had record of 70-0 with fifty knockouts, he didn’t care. He threw a few shots in to his trunk; the tree stood there unphased, laughing at his attempts for a quick TKO. As the man returned to his corner for the end of the round, the tree again sucker punch him, this time he knock him out for good. The man woke up five minutes later and headed for his car. He returned twenty minutes later and said he wanted a rematch and the tree agreed. This time the man pulled out a chainsaw, and began cutting into the tree. After ten minutes the tree began to sway, and landed on top of the man. The tree’s fighting career was over with a record of 72-0 and fifty two knockouts. The old man knew better but fought anyways.

After thirty days of cold showers with no water pressure, an old man became furious. On the thirty-first day as he got undressed preparing to take a shower, there again was no pressure, he began to go around naked door to door to cursing each tenet out, including me. The following day there was again no water pressure and he again went cursing out people in the nude. When he returned to his apartment, he was still not satisfied so he took an axe to the wall that had the pipes to the shower, filling his apartment with water. When he finished his path of destruction he noticed that the shower was set on low pressure. He got dressed and went around apologizing to everyone for being crazy. We had to forgive him.

A man sits in a room waiting for the doctor’s prognosis. He began eating part of his hand bone and all, and worked all the way up his arm and finished with his hand, leaving only his head and lower abdomen several weeks ago. His remains began to digest himself through his anus; he collected his remain in little baggies over a two week period.
“I have good news” the doctor says as he enters the room.
“What’s that? The man replied.
“I can put you back together, but I suggest you be more careful of what you eat and make it healthier.

The circus reached town today. The ringmaster of the circus skipped town last night with the money form the last stop. The clowns are off drinking in a bar in the next town, the bearded lady is thinking of shaving off her beard. The man on stilts broke his legs tripping over a fallen tree trunk in the woods. The lion tamer got mauled by a tiger. The circus midget suddenly had an overnight growth spurt. The world’s tallest man and the jugglers had to have there arms and legs amputated. The monkey escaped, but not before they flung poo on the visitors. The trapeze became afraid of heights. The elephant had to be put to sleep after it trampled the fortune teller, she obviously didn’t see that one coming. Teen age pranksters stole the animals in the petting zoo and the sad sword sallowers finally cut their own throats.
Just a typical day around here, an old man said to his grandson.

My dog Sparky went back in time and tired to eat the elite of American history. A journey historians would drool over. He started off with George Washington, an uneducated man who probably wasn’t hard to find considering his picture is every where. Then on to Ben Franklin an old, crippled, and senile man who was an easy target. Thomas Jefferson was too smart and managed to sneak away.
Sparky skipped a few generations to go after Abraham Lincoln, but was too late and had to settle for John Wilkes Booth. He skipped a few more generations and headed for FDR, who wasn’t in hurry to go anywhere. He went on to attack John F. Kennedy from the grassy knoll in Dallas and Martin Luther King Jr. on a hotel balcony in Memphis shortly there after. He finished his tirade of destruction by catching up to Gerald Ford, who tripped over a tree branch while running away.
“Dammit Sparky, you are going to ruin your appetite” I said, picking up the pieces of history.

A homeless man me about being a personal stand in for me, a crazy old man I though to myself. He reeked of piss and alcohol, but as a joke I said sure. I brought him back to my place so he could shower and shave. I gave him a nice three piece suit. After he was all cleaned up he kind of looked like me.
“What do you do for a living?” he asked.
“I am a stock broker for a major corporation” I replied.
The next day he went into work for me, I got a call from my boss about midday asking where I was.
“I should be at my desk” I replied.
“Aw, Okay I see you” he replied.
After about three days I received a letter in the mail that said I was fired. I managed to track down the homeless man, who was still wearing the suit that I gave him.
“You got me fired you bum” I screamed.
“Good, now you can be my stand in” he replied.

I watch out my front window as my new neighbor let his Miniature Pincher take a shit in my front yard. I had not had any problems with him or his wife until this incident. The following day I invited my brother (who I hated) over to bring his two Saint Bernards over to let them take a shit in his yard. The very next day the same neighbor threw a birthday for there four year old son, (I still don't think it was his birthday) and hired a man to bring over a petting zoo. All the horses, donkeys, sheeps and goats all took turns taking a shitting all over my yard. The following day I found out that the circus was in town, so I told the owner of the circus that I wanted to parade the big animals (the elephants and the giraffes and maybe even the monkeys) through our neighborhood. The big animals filled his yard with shit and the monkeys flung their poo on to the aluminum siding. The next day the neighbors came over to apologize for all the trouble he had caused.
"Damn right you're sorry and by the way welcome to the neighborhood."
I told him.

Current Mood:

annoyed

For Alex & Giovanna

Every Sunday I go to the 24 hour laundry mat. I feel right at home there and I am not quite sure why. Have you ever tried to wash you clothes with a monkey? I have and the kind of monkeys that frequent this particular laundry mat all should be in a zoo (and not a petting zoo, because they are too ill willed). One time I brought a six pack of beer with me to drink while I was doing my laundry, but they had other intentions. They broke every bottle without drinking any of it. They fling poo at me while you are trying to move your clothes from the washer to the dryers. You can’t sit down anywhere because they have soiled the seats with monkey puke and piss. I guess it not that much different form going to church.